HOW CAN WE CAPTURE MEMORIES FROM OUR YOUTH
I have recently read an article about how technology is unlocking people’s memories of their youth. This works through an interactive computer system, showing sequences from a time when the viewer may have been young. This is a quicker and comparatively time efficient way of overcoming memory loss in the elderly.
Having recently worked with a lady in her eighties and another in his seventies I have been reminded that one of the most important things that people of the third age need is to be talked to and listened to. This may be more time-consuming than an interactive television system, but I would contend that it is more rewarding for both talker and listener.
We have become a society where youth is praised above all else and while I think it important that youth is given every opportunity to succeed, I think it should not be at the expense of the more mature.
We are part of an aging population and the greatest scourge is Alzheimer’s and other forms of Dementia and whilst I accept that this is an illness of the elderly I do think that to some extent we would be able to postpone the symptoms by giving people a sense of being valued and revered for their knowledge and wisdom.
They have so much to contribute and in my Practice when I listen to their stories I see the people become youthful again and light up with their special memories.
I believe that many people feel useless and a waste of space because often their families are leading such busy lives that they do not have time to sit, even for a short time, to talk to them about what they are doing and ask their opinion on issues that they may be wrestling with. Very often Mother or Grandmother has dealt with something similar and can pass on the benefit of their experience. This exchange can bring about a better understanding and a good feeling in both.
I consider it a real privilege that people come to talk to me about their problems, but I am aware that there are many who suffer alone and unwanted just because they are no longer young and physically able.
Friday, 21 May 2010
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
HOW CAN MOTHER KNOW BEST?
I am so pleased that I am not just starting a family at this time of ultra-consciousness about diet when it comes to children and, I mustn’t forget, adults.
Mums were recently told that they must watch what their children eat, they mustn’t eat between meals, they must eat healthily, they mustn’t be allowed to become obese and now the latest thinking is that too much “healthy” food can damage normal growth and cause problems in later life.
I do sometimes wonder how my children survived into adulthood unscathed. Then it was a question of using common sense and giving the children a balanced diet that, of course, included cake and ice cream and sweets. I didn’t worry about whether they would become too fat or too thin I just wanted them enjoy their food and grow into healthy and happy adults.
Way back then I didn’t have the benefit of wall-to-wall television telling me how to be a mother, I just muddled along – oh I forgot – there was Dr Spock, he had plenty to say about bringing up children, but having read his words of wisdom I decided it was all too wishy washy and I would go my own way.
Talking of Dr Spock and his “modern” ideas on bringing up children. At the time he made a great deal of money out of his books only to be maligned in later years for having got it completely wrong.
Is this what will happen again? All these pundits stipulating what children need only to be discredited at a later date.
I am so pleased that I am not just starting a family at this time of ultra-consciousness about diet when it comes to children and, I mustn’t forget, adults.
Mums were recently told that they must watch what their children eat, they mustn’t eat between meals, they must eat healthily, they mustn’t be allowed to become obese and now the latest thinking is that too much “healthy” food can damage normal growth and cause problems in later life.
I do sometimes wonder how my children survived into adulthood unscathed. Then it was a question of using common sense and giving the children a balanced diet that, of course, included cake and ice cream and sweets. I didn’t worry about whether they would become too fat or too thin I just wanted them enjoy their food and grow into healthy and happy adults.
Way back then I didn’t have the benefit of wall-to-wall television telling me how to be a mother, I just muddled along – oh I forgot – there was Dr Spock, he had plenty to say about bringing up children, but having read his words of wisdom I decided it was all too wishy washy and I would go my own way.
Talking of Dr Spock and his “modern” ideas on bringing up children. At the time he made a great deal of money out of his books only to be maligned in later years for having got it completely wrong.
Is this what will happen again? All these pundits stipulating what children need only to be discredited at a later date.
Thursday, 6 May 2010
WHAT YET ANOTHER PILL?
As a qualified Sexual and Psychosexual Therapist I see an increasing number of clients who suffer from Premature Ejaculation (PE) and one of the theories I have is that we live at such a pace now that there is insufficient time to enjoy making love.
Couples work long hours away from home, they come home cook and eat dinner, by which time they are both exhausted and fall into bed, falling asleep before they have even managed a cuddle.
At weekends they have the shopping, cleaning and visiting friends to cope with and all this is assuming that they do not have any children to be fitted in as well.
Little wonder that when it comes to having sex this has to be “fitted in” as well and therefore, too much foreplay will mean yet more precious minutes being used up when they can cut to the main feature and get it over with in time for a day with friends.
This a bit tongue in cheek, but I do worry about the quality of relationships when all that is necessary to achieve an orgasm is a pill to turn you on, a pill to stop you coming too quickly. I fear that soon you will be able to get a pill to simulate the feeling of orgasm and then you won’t even have to get together to do “it” at all.
I spoke to a man recently who had come to see me because he was suffering from PE. It seems that this was almost a lifelong problem, since he first had sex at the age of 16. Most of his relationships were short-lived and he had managed to cover his inadequacy by pretending that it was early excitement with a new partner and he didn’t allow himself to stay in a relationship long enough to be found out.
When I talked to him about the fact that this is a problem that is, in most cases, non organic and very amenable to cure by devoting a little time and undertaking some pleasant exercises, he was worried that he didn’t have enough time to devote and would possibly have to put up with it.
Fortunately, I was able to persuade him to give it a try and after several weeks he reported that the problem was much alleviated and, in fact, he and his partner were enjoying the best sex they had ever had.
Now if he had known about this pill he might well not have come to see me, but would have taken the pill and although he might not ejaculate so quickly, I wonder if he would have improved his sex life as much as the client who went for the exercises.
As a qualified Sexual and Psychosexual Therapist I see an increasing number of clients who suffer from Premature Ejaculation (PE) and one of the theories I have is that we live at such a pace now that there is insufficient time to enjoy making love.
Couples work long hours away from home, they come home cook and eat dinner, by which time they are both exhausted and fall into bed, falling asleep before they have even managed a cuddle.
At weekends they have the shopping, cleaning and visiting friends to cope with and all this is assuming that they do not have any children to be fitted in as well.
Little wonder that when it comes to having sex this has to be “fitted in” as well and therefore, too much foreplay will mean yet more precious minutes being used up when they can cut to the main feature and get it over with in time for a day with friends.
This a bit tongue in cheek, but I do worry about the quality of relationships when all that is necessary to achieve an orgasm is a pill to turn you on, a pill to stop you coming too quickly. I fear that soon you will be able to get a pill to simulate the feeling of orgasm and then you won’t even have to get together to do “it” at all.
I spoke to a man recently who had come to see me because he was suffering from PE. It seems that this was almost a lifelong problem, since he first had sex at the age of 16. Most of his relationships were short-lived and he had managed to cover his inadequacy by pretending that it was early excitement with a new partner and he didn’t allow himself to stay in a relationship long enough to be found out.
When I talked to him about the fact that this is a problem that is, in most cases, non organic and very amenable to cure by devoting a little time and undertaking some pleasant exercises, he was worried that he didn’t have enough time to devote and would possibly have to put up with it.
Fortunately, I was able to persuade him to give it a try and after several weeks he reported that the problem was much alleviated and, in fact, he and his partner were enjoying the best sex they had ever had.
Now if he had known about this pill he might well not have come to see me, but would have taken the pill and although he might not ejaculate so quickly, I wonder if he would have improved his sex life as much as the client who went for the exercises.
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
ATTENTION V DRUGS
Louis Theroux recently visited a number of families in the US in order to investigate reports that some parents were giving their children anti-depressants to curb unruly behaviour.
Then we have the BBC talking about giving ADHD children rewards instead of drugs whatever is going on when parents need to give their children drugs or rewards for being normal.
I would not for one moment suggest that all children diagnosed with ADHD are not suffering from a mental disorder, but I do think that a number of them are ignored and ill disciplined, and I would contend that a number of them would benefit from the little word “no” together with “no means no”.
Children need discipline and love in equal measure, one without the other makes for very unhappy children. Why is it that parents seem unable or unwilling to say no to their children? Is it laziness? Fear that their children will not love them any more? If it were possible to answer this question we might actually be getting somewhere. At the same time they want their parents’ attention, they want to be listened to and spoken to.
Alongside my Psychotherapy Practice, until recently, I undertook publicly funded mediations and was dismayed at the number of parents who tried to buy the love of their children by indulging their every whim and then trying to outdo each other so that their offspring would want to be with them rather than the other parent. However, the children quickly learnt the trick and began to play one off against the other becoming more and more badly behaved in the process. They couldn’t possibly say “no” for fear of being accused of not wanting them.
I think it is criminal giving children drugs when they can be avoided. We have enough of a problem in this country, and in the US, with teenagers getting involved with drugs. Parents throwing their hands up and shouting for the authorities to do more to prevent children getting hold of drugs and then these same parents supply drugs in order to suppress, what is often, normal behaviour.
“normal behaviour?” yes I do mean normal behaviour all children are mischievous and test the boundaries. They are testing the world and their place in it and they need us, so called, adults to teach them about right and wrong and where the boundaries are.
Louis Theroux recently visited a number of families in the US in order to investigate reports that some parents were giving their children anti-depressants to curb unruly behaviour.
Then we have the BBC talking about giving ADHD children rewards instead of drugs whatever is going on when parents need to give their children drugs or rewards for being normal.
I would not for one moment suggest that all children diagnosed with ADHD are not suffering from a mental disorder, but I do think that a number of them are ignored and ill disciplined, and I would contend that a number of them would benefit from the little word “no” together with “no means no”.
Children need discipline and love in equal measure, one without the other makes for very unhappy children. Why is it that parents seem unable or unwilling to say no to their children? Is it laziness? Fear that their children will not love them any more? If it were possible to answer this question we might actually be getting somewhere. At the same time they want their parents’ attention, they want to be listened to and spoken to.
Alongside my Psychotherapy Practice, until recently, I undertook publicly funded mediations and was dismayed at the number of parents who tried to buy the love of their children by indulging their every whim and then trying to outdo each other so that their offspring would want to be with them rather than the other parent. However, the children quickly learnt the trick and began to play one off against the other becoming more and more badly behaved in the process. They couldn’t possibly say “no” for fear of being accused of not wanting them.
I think it is criminal giving children drugs when they can be avoided. We have enough of a problem in this country, and in the US, with teenagers getting involved with drugs. Parents throwing their hands up and shouting for the authorities to do more to prevent children getting hold of drugs and then these same parents supply drugs in order to suppress, what is often, normal behaviour.
“normal behaviour?” yes I do mean normal behaviour all children are mischievous and test the boundaries. They are testing the world and their place in it and they need us, so called, adults to teach them about right and wrong and where the boundaries are.
Friday, 16 April 2010
Has the world gone crazy – whatever happened to innocent childhood?
I recently read an article stating that a leading name in High Street stores had been stocking padded bikinis for pre-pubescent girls. Children have such a short time to be children that anything that shortens that even further has to be wrong in my opinion.
Sexualizing these little girls lays them open not only to the stalking paedophile, but plants the idea that they should be adult as soon as possible and look as much like “Mummy” as they can. If they have to succumb to the pressure of looking sexual at the age of 6, 7 or 8 what are they going to enjoy and discover at 18,19 or 20.
Already young teenagers are having to conform to their peers and rid themselves of their virginity as soon as possible. It is no longer something special to be experienced during “first love” a gift shared and remembered in the years to come.
I am not foolish enough to believe that every first sexual experience is enjoyable. However, I do think that there is a message that parents can convey that sex is something to be enjoyed with someone they care about.
I see many women, in their late 20s and early 30s, in my Practice who are suffering from a loss of libido and when I talk to them about their early sexual experiences they say things like “I can’t remember the first time, I don’t think I ever saw the boy again, virginity was just something to get rid of”. Sex has never been special for them, some have never had an orgasm, they see doing “it” as a chore and they would rather read a book or go for a walk.
Its time that parents realized that having a child is a privilege which gives them the opportunity to have a blank page to write on and they should write with a very light and carefully considered hand because their words and actions may shape the beliefs of their daughter or son for the rest of their lives.
I recently read an article stating that a leading name in High Street stores had been stocking padded bikinis for pre-pubescent girls. Children have such a short time to be children that anything that shortens that even further has to be wrong in my opinion.
Sexualizing these little girls lays them open not only to the stalking paedophile, but plants the idea that they should be adult as soon as possible and look as much like “Mummy” as they can. If they have to succumb to the pressure of looking sexual at the age of 6, 7 or 8 what are they going to enjoy and discover at 18,19 or 20.
Already young teenagers are having to conform to their peers and rid themselves of their virginity as soon as possible. It is no longer something special to be experienced during “first love” a gift shared and remembered in the years to come.
I am not foolish enough to believe that every first sexual experience is enjoyable. However, I do think that there is a message that parents can convey that sex is something to be enjoyed with someone they care about.
I see many women, in their late 20s and early 30s, in my Practice who are suffering from a loss of libido and when I talk to them about their early sexual experiences they say things like “I can’t remember the first time, I don’t think I ever saw the boy again, virginity was just something to get rid of”. Sex has never been special for them, some have never had an orgasm, they see doing “it” as a chore and they would rather read a book or go for a walk.
Its time that parents realized that having a child is a privilege which gives them the opportunity to have a blank page to write on and they should write with a very light and carefully considered hand because their words and actions may shape the beliefs of their daughter or son for the rest of their lives.
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
“Confidentiality” how important is it and when should it be broken?
Unlike Priests the maintaining of confidentiality is not absolute for counsellors and therapists. However, it is an element of our work that is crucial if our clients are going to feel comfortable talking to us about things that they have never spoken about before and which they would not like anyone else to know.
Therapists frequently face ethical dilemmas in their work and they have to weigh disclosure against the trusting relationship they have with their client. This dilemma is even more frequently apparent when working with couples.
If one partner discloses that they are having an affair and that they do not want their partner to know. How is it possible not to bring this to the session with the other partner and not mention it when it is absolutely essential to be even handed?
Even more difficult would be when one partner discloses that they have had an HIV test and it has proved positive but they have no intention of telling their partner.
When I begin my work with a new client or a couple I always tell them that our work is confidential with the proviso that if I believed that someone was going to be physically hurt, either themselves or someone else I may need to talk to someone.
This statement may seem a little vague, but I believe that it has to be so, because it would be impossible to list every occasion which would require me to break their confidence. So “may” allows me to consult my Supervisor and consider whether it is necessary to talk to “someone”. That “someone” would vary according to the circumstances, it might be a partner, GP, Social Worker or the Police according to the nature of the harm.
At the end of the day it comes down to the judgement of the person holding the confidence and that judgement is very subjective and depends on the beliefs and life experiences of the therapist.
For some people this may seem very unsatisfactory, but I would maintain that most clients have a good instinct about who to trust and the system does seem to work pretty well, considering I have been a therapist for 30 years and have only had to break a confidence on one occasion without the client’s permission.
Unlike Priests the maintaining of confidentiality is not absolute for counsellors and therapists. However, it is an element of our work that is crucial if our clients are going to feel comfortable talking to us about things that they have never spoken about before and which they would not like anyone else to know.
Therapists frequently face ethical dilemmas in their work and they have to weigh disclosure against the trusting relationship they have with their client. This dilemma is even more frequently apparent when working with couples.
If one partner discloses that they are having an affair and that they do not want their partner to know. How is it possible not to bring this to the session with the other partner and not mention it when it is absolutely essential to be even handed?
Even more difficult would be when one partner discloses that they have had an HIV test and it has proved positive but they have no intention of telling their partner.
When I begin my work with a new client or a couple I always tell them that our work is confidential with the proviso that if I believed that someone was going to be physically hurt, either themselves or someone else I may need to talk to someone.
This statement may seem a little vague, but I believe that it has to be so, because it would be impossible to list every occasion which would require me to break their confidence. So “may” allows me to consult my Supervisor and consider whether it is necessary to talk to “someone”. That “someone” would vary according to the circumstances, it might be a partner, GP, Social Worker or the Police according to the nature of the harm.
At the end of the day it comes down to the judgement of the person holding the confidence and that judgement is very subjective and depends on the beliefs and life experiences of the therapist.
For some people this may seem very unsatisfactory, but I would maintain that most clients have a good instinct about who to trust and the system does seem to work pretty well, considering I have been a therapist for 30 years and have only had to break a confidence on one occasion without the client’s permission.
Friday, 19 March 2010
Affairs cause relationships to break
I really don’t believe this, because if you are happy in your relationship and it provides you with the love and attention that most people crave for, you are not going to be interested in anyone else.
Its only when you start having problems in the relationship that you become vulnerable to other people who appear to offer the things that your partner is no longer, or never was, giving to you.
So the answer is not that affairs cause relationships to break but problems in the relationship cause people to have affairs.
Often an affair is a cry for help, it certainly makes your partner sit up and take notice. On some occasions the partner is able to acknowledge their part in the problems and then the couple have an opportunity to build a new relationship, often with the help of a Couple Therapist.
I really don’t believe this, because if you are happy in your relationship and it provides you with the love and attention that most people crave for, you are not going to be interested in anyone else.
Its only when you start having problems in the relationship that you become vulnerable to other people who appear to offer the things that your partner is no longer, or never was, giving to you.
So the answer is not that affairs cause relationships to break but problems in the relationship cause people to have affairs.
Often an affair is a cry for help, it certainly makes your partner sit up and take notice. On some occasions the partner is able to acknowledge their part in the problems and then the couple have an opportunity to build a new relationship, often with the help of a Couple Therapist.
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