HOW CAN WE CAPTURE MEMORIES FROM OUR YOUTH
I have recently read an article about how technology is unlocking people’s memories of their youth. This works through an interactive computer system, showing sequences from a time when the viewer may have been young. This is a quicker and comparatively time efficient way of overcoming memory loss in the elderly.
Having recently worked with a lady in her eighties and another in his seventies I have been reminded that one of the most important things that people of the third age need is to be talked to and listened to. This may be more time-consuming than an interactive television system, but I would contend that it is more rewarding for both talker and listener.
We have become a society where youth is praised above all else and while I think it important that youth is given every opportunity to succeed, I think it should not be at the expense of the more mature.
We are part of an aging population and the greatest scourge is Alzheimer’s and other forms of Dementia and whilst I accept that this is an illness of the elderly I do think that to some extent we would be able to postpone the symptoms by giving people a sense of being valued and revered for their knowledge and wisdom.
They have so much to contribute and in my Practice when I listen to their stories I see the people become youthful again and light up with their special memories.
I believe that many people feel useless and a waste of space because often their families are leading such busy lives that they do not have time to sit, even for a short time, to talk to them about what they are doing and ask their opinion on issues that they may be wrestling with. Very often Mother or Grandmother has dealt with something similar and can pass on the benefit of their experience. This exchange can bring about a better understanding and a good feeling in both.
I consider it a real privilege that people come to talk to me about their problems, but I am aware that there are many who suffer alone and unwanted just because they are no longer young and physically able.

HOW CAN MOTHER KNOW BEST?
I am so pleased that I am not just starting a family at this time of ultra-consciousness about diet when it comes to children and, I mustn’t forget, adults.
Mums were recently told that they must watch what their children eat, they mustn’t eat between meals, they must eat healthily, they mustn’t be allowed to become obese and now the latest thinking is that too much “healthy” food can damage normal growth and cause problems in later life.
I do sometimes wonder how my children survived into adulthood unscathed. Then it was a question of using common sense and giving the children a balanced diet that, of course, included cake and ice cream and sweets. I didn’t worry about whether they would become too fat or too thin I just wanted them enjoy their food and grow into healthy and happy adults.
Way back then I didn’t have the benefit of wall-to-wall television telling me how to be a mother, I just muddled along – oh I forgot – there was Dr Spock, he had plenty to say about bringing up children, but having read his words of wisdom I decided it was all too wishy washy and I would go my own way.
Talking of Dr Spock and his “modern” ideas on bringing up children. At the time he made a great deal of money out of his books only to be maligned in later years for having got it completely wrong.
Is this what will happen again? All these pundits stipulating what children need only to be discredited at a later date.

WHAT YET ANOTHER PILL?
As a qualified Sexual and Psychosexual Therapist I see an increasing number of clients who suffer from Premature Ejaculation (PE) and one of the theories I have is that we live at such a pace now that there is insufficient time to enjoy making love.
Couples work long hours away from home, they come home cook and eat dinner, by which time they are both exhausted and fall into bed, falling asleep before they have even managed a cuddle.
At weekends they have the shopping, cleaning and visiting friends to cope with and all this is assuming that they do not have any children to be fitted in as well.
Little wonder that when it comes to having sex this has to be “fitted in” as well and therefore, too much foreplay will mean yet more precious minutes being used up when they can cut to the main feature and get it over with in time for a day with friends.
This a bit tongue in cheek, but I do worry about the quality of relationships when all that is necessary to achieve an orgasm is a pill to turn you on, a pill to stop you coming too quickly. I fear that soon you will be able to get a pill to simulate the feeling of orgasm and then you won’t even have to get together to do “it” at all.
I spoke to a man recently who had come to see me because he was suffering from PE. It seems that this was almost a lifelong problem, since he first had sex at the age of 16. Most of his relationships were short-lived and he had managed to cover his inadequacy by pretending that it was early excitement with a new partner and he didn’t allow himself to stay in a relationship long enough to be found out.
When I talked to him about the fact that this is a problem that is, in most cases, non organic and very amenable to cure by devoting a little time and undertaking some pleasant exercises, he was worried that he didn’t have enough time to devote and would possibly have to put up with it.
Fortunately, I was able to persuade him to give it a try and after several weeks he reported that the problem was much alleviated and, in fact, he and his partner were enjoying the best sex they had ever had.
Now if he had known about this pill he might well not have come to see me, but would have taken the pill and although he might not ejaculate so quickly, I wonder if he would have improved his sex life as much as the client who went for the exercises.

ATTENTION V DRUGS
Louis Theroux recently visited a number of families in the US in order to investigate reports that some parents were giving their children anti-depressants to curb unruly behaviour.
Then we have the BBC talking about giving ADHD children rewards instead of drugs whatever is going on when parents need to give their children drugs or rewards for being normal.
I would not for one moment suggest that all children diagnosed with ADHD are not suffering from a mental disorder, but I do think that a number of them are ignored and ill disciplined, and I would contend that a number of them would benefit from the little word “no” together with “no means no”.
Children need discipline and love in equal measure, one without the other makes for very unhappy children. Why is it that parents seem unable or unwilling to say no to their children? Is it laziness? Fear that their children will not love them any more? If it were possible to answer this question we might actually be getting somewhere. At the same time they want their parents’ attention, they want to be listened to and spoken to.
Alongside my Psychotherapy Practice, until recently, I undertook publicly funded mediations and was dismayed at the number of parents who tried to buy the love of their children by indulging their every whim and then trying to outdo each other so that their offspring would want to be with them rather than the other parent. However, the children quickly learnt the trick and began to play one off against the other becoming more and more badly behaved in the process. They couldn’t possibly say “no” for fear of being accused of not wanting them.
I think it is criminal giving children drugs when they can be avoided. We have enough of a problem in this country, and in the US, with teenagers getting involved with drugs. Parents throwing their hands up and shouting for the authorities to do more to prevent children getting hold of drugs and then these same parents supply drugs in order to suppress, what is often, normal behaviour.
“normal behaviour?” yes I do mean normal behaviour all children are mischievous and test the boundaries. They are testing the world and their place in it and they need us, so called, adults to teach them about right and wrong and where the boundaries are.

Has the world gone crazy – whatever happened to innocent childhood?

I recently read an article stating that a leading name in High Street stores had been stocking padded bikinis for pre-pubescent girls. Children have such a short time to be children that anything that shortens that even further has to be wrong in my opinion.

Sexualizing these little girls lays them open not only to the stalking paedophile, but plants the idea that they should be adult as soon as possible and look as much like “Mummy” as they can. If they have to succumb to the pressure of looking sexual at the age of 6, 7 or 8 what are they going to enjoy and discover at 18,19 or 20.

Already young teenagers are having to conform to their peers and rid themselves of their virginity as soon as possible. It is no longer something special to be experienced during “first love” a gift shared and remembered in the years to come.

I am not foolish enough to believe that every first sexual experience is enjoyable. However, I do think that there is a message that parents can convey that sex is something to be enjoyed with someone they care about.

I see many women, in their late 20s and early 30s, in my Practice who are suffering from a loss of libido and when I talk to them about their early sexual experiences they say things like “I can’t remember the first time, I don’t think I ever saw the boy again, virginity was just something to get rid of”. Sex has never been special for them, some have never had an orgasm, they see doing “it” as a chore and they would rather read a book or go for a walk.

Its time that parents realized that having a child is a privilege which gives them the opportunity to have a blank page to write on and they should write with a very light and carefully considered hand because their words and actions may shape the beliefs of their daughter or son for the rest of their lives.

“Confidentiality” how important is it and when should it be broken?
Unlike Priests the maintaining of confidentiality is not absolute for counsellors and therapists. However, it is an element of our work that is crucial if our clients are going to feel comfortable talking to us about things that they have never spoken about before and which they would not like anyone else to know.
Therapists frequently face ethical dilemmas in their work and they have to weigh disclosure against the trusting relationship they have with their client. This dilemma is even more frequently apparent when working with couples.
If one partner discloses that they are having an affair and that they do not want their partner to know. How is it possible not to bring this to the session with the other partner and not mention it when it is absolutely essential to be even handed?
Even more difficult would be when one partner discloses that they have had an HIV test and it has proved positive but they have no intention of telling their partner.
When I begin my work with a new client or a couple I always tell them that our work is confidential with the proviso that if I believed that someone was going to be physically hurt, either themselves or someone else I may need to talk to someone.
This statement may seem a little vague, but I believe that it has to be so, because it would be impossible to list every occasion which would require me to break their confidence. So “may” allows me to consult my Supervisor and consider whether it is necessary to talk to “someone”. That “someone” would vary according to the circumstances, it might be a partner, GP, Social Worker or the Police according to the nature of the harm.
At the end of the day it comes down to the judgement of the person holding the confidence and that judgement is very subjective and depends on the beliefs and life experiences of the therapist.
For some people this may seem very unsatisfactory, but I would maintain that most clients have a good instinct about who to trust and the system does seem to work pretty well, considering I have been a therapist for 30 years and have only had to break a confidence on one occasion without the client’s permission.

Affairs cause relationships to break

I really don’t believe this, because if you are happy in your relationship and it provides you with the love and attention that most people crave for, you are not going to be interested in anyone else.

Its only when you start having problems in the relationship that you become vulnerable to other people who appear to offer the things that your partner is no longer, or never was, giving to you.

So the answer is not that affairs cause relationships to break but problems in the relationship cause people to have affairs.

Often an affair is a cry for help, it certainly makes your partner sit up and take notice. On some occasions the partner is able to acknowledge their part in the problems and then the couple have an opportunity to build a new relationship, often with the help of a Couple Therapist.

Recipe for a Good Relationship 2
Talk every day and talk about something that is important to you at least once a week.
When you first meet someone you want to talk all the time. There is so much to share about past lives and hopes and dreams for the future.
If you are lucky enough to fall in love then there is so much to share and you cannot get enough information about this wonderful person. Lots of the talking may take place in bed after love making.
As time goes on and the relationship is cemented either by marriage or moving in together, the realities of life creep in. There is a need to work, often late into the evening, children arrive and they need to be looked after, money is often a pressing issue.
So many responsibilities to contend with that the conversation that was so full and vibrant gets reduced to “how are we going to pay this latest bill?” “what shall we have for dinner?” and similar necessity conversations.
Less and less do the couple talk about their love for each other and how the other is really feeling.
Therefore, setting aside a little time, maybe as little as 10 minutes, perhaps before going to sleep, to talk about how the events of the day have affected them. Once a week having a longer conversation concentrating on each other to the exclusion of the children and other demands will nurture relationship and keep it alive and dynamic.

Recipe for a good relationship 1

“Never go to sleep on an argument”. I am sure you must have heard this said on numerous occasions, but it is really true.

Most people who have just had an argument with their partner feel bruised and hurt and want to get as far as possible away from that person. Often, thinking “I never want to talk to him or her again” and “why am I in this relationship anyway?”

They then tend to move somewhere else in the home and vow not to give in to their impossible partner. They may go to bed and turn their back and move as far across the bed as they can. Some people actually go to sleep in another room. Then in the morning, possibly with little or no sleep, the atmosphere is even worse and both people feel they are in the right and no way are they going to give in. The longer this goes on the more difficult it is to make contact again.

However, if you have a rule that you will never go to sleep without making contact, on most occasions the argument is dealt with and you are able to make up. Even if you have to agree to disagree, if you have a cuddle and a kiss you will be letting the other person know that you still love them despite their “unreasonableness”!

Was it really “the good old days?”
Ration cards and allotments were the order of the day in the war and for several years after. Counselling and therapy certainly were not, in fact I believe that professional counselling was almost unheard of and Psychotherapy was something for those who were extremely disturbed or quite wealthy.
How different from today, when, here in Britain we have almost reached the point, that the US was at several years ago, where having a therapist is something to boast about and discuss with friends.
This change of view has got me questioning why this should be. I wonder if it has something to do with survival. In the post-war years the population had a sense of euphoria from the release of the wartime tension and the removal of the threat of a bomb dropping and destroying their home and for the lucky ones the return of their loved ones. They were all pulling together to make a living and to get back some semblance of “normal” life. It was much more about the physical than the psychological – getting and holding down a job and putting food on the table.
Relatively, speaking those fears have now been removed and, for the majority of people their basic needs are being met. The philosophy of life is about climbing the ladder and getting personal satisfaction and personal goals achieved.
It may seem that I am saying that the problems being brought to therapy are trivial, far from it, I wonder if the emotional and psychological elements of our life are more disturbing and stressful than ever before. The camaraderie, and with it the feeling of pulling together with your neighbour are no longer there, now you are left to pursue your own goals and very often this can cause depression and anxiety.
Many people who come to see me, who are depressed and anxious, talk about feeling very alone and isolated even though they may be in a relationship. My role is a nurturing one to help them get back control in their lives and to test out some of the assumptions that have been making them anxious.
That leads me to another question, “were people happier in the early post-war years, when they had to make-do and mend, but had the comfort of their neighbours close by who were in a similar position and who were willing to share their food and friendship?”
Madeleine Richardson

Should we be able to decide when to die?
When I watched the very moving Terry Pratchett lecture a couple of days ago, it struck a chord with me and I was certain that if I had a debilitating illness that required someone else to look after my every bodily need, I would want to leave this world. If I was unable to achieve this alone and one of my loved ones bravely agreed to carry out this final service for me, I would certainly not want them prosecuted.
I wasn’t sure about the deciding body being a Tribunal, but I was definitely clear that I would like to be able to decide when the time was right to go.
Then I watched Question Time and was shocked that three out of the four members of the panel were absolutely against such a decision. The thing that struck a chord with me, this time, was the point raised by one of the members who said that sometimes people who are deeply depressed or suffering from bipolar, regardless of age, may decide they have had enough and, at that moment, want to die. The important words are “at that moment” because, as a Therapist, I have worked with clients who have been at this point.
I work a lot with depression and am aware that a number of them, not the majority, I am pleased to say, talk to me about ending it all and escaping from the terrible hopelessness that they feel.
It takes enormous courage to end a life, even at that low point, they say that they haven’t the courage. However, supposing they could ask someone else to do it for them – I wonder if they would.
I view this prospect with great concern, because my experience is that if I can stay with them and encourage them to do even the smallest task the chances are that they will start to see a glimmer at the end of the tunnel. Additionally, although I am not a pill fan, modern science has now produced a number of short-term antidepressants, that are not addictive and can lift the person’s spirits just enough so that they can start to benefit from the therapy.
Where does that leave me? Two opposing views, both with great merit. Depression aside, I still believe that one should be able to end a life which has lost its quality and will inevitably end in complete disablement and or death.

Madeleine Richardson

We all face dilemmas every day, dealing with the difficulties of making decisions and fearing that we may make the wrong decision, which for some people keeps them trapped in indecision – which of course is a decision by default.
Few of us can have faced the life and death dilemma of Kay Gildersdale. How brave she was to help release her daughter from the living hell that she had been in for years. It has made me question whether I would be able to act as she did if one of my daughters was in such a position.
There is always that thought that tomorrow she may begin to recover or medical science may make a breakthrough and find a cure. I am sure that the loss of hope is the hardest thing to come to terms with.
I also believe that in not allowing someone we love to die, we are keeping them alive for us rather than any benefit to them. Their quality of life, they might say, has gone and they want to be gone too.
I am less clear about taking such a decision when the patient is not able to make the request or give informed consent as in the case of the mother who injected her unconscious son, when to her and the doctors there was no hope of recovery.
Whilst I understand that this case needed to be investigated, to rule out criminal intent, I think this was a case that merited the same compassion that was forthcoming in the first case.
This mother required a greater courage because she really did have to make the decision alone without being fully aware of what her son would have wanted and how do any of us know how we might react in similar circumstances.


Madeleine Richardson

More happiness for children
The Children's Society has come up with yet another report about the state of families and the unhappiness of children. It seems to me that a lot of what they are talking about is common sense.
Of course children are going to be unhappy living in a family where there is constant conflict and where there is a culture of blame.
However, I think the main source of children's unhappiness is the lack of security they feel as a result of the lack of time spent by parents talking and listening to them.
A child can cope very well with conflict, after all school is one of the most conflictual places they are likely to experience in their lives.
Parents can be crucial in teaching their offspring how to cope with the conflict that arises out of the natural anger which everyone feels at sometime.
Parents sometimes do not realize that their behaviour is the model for how their children view men and women and the important relationships they have with each other.
Children need attention and someone to convey to them that they are worthwhile and valuable. This does not require constant attention but does require at least a certain amount of time each day when they have a one-to-one relationship with a parent who is interested in them. This contributes hugely to the child's happiness and, perhaps surprisingly, so does the maintaining of strong boundaries.
Children feel secure within boundaries, knowing that someone is going to hold them and love them enough to say "no" when appropriate. Unfortunately, some parents seem unable to use this most important word, believing that their children will hate them unless they allow them to do just as they wish.
No child, or adult, for that matter, feels secure without boundaries which enable them to feel safe and protected.
I am growing a little tired of constantly reading reportts that tell us what is wrong with our families without offering solutions other than throwing money at them.